How to Set Boundaries, Healthily
I have always been reluctant to step up for myself in any conflict. The reason would be basic fear. Fear of being yelled at or of being blackmailed, fear of having to cut ties with a person, or simply hurting them with what all normal people see as defending one’s dignity.
I was so anxious about accidentally hurting someone else’s feelings that I took other people knowing no limits and wounding me as a habit.
If you are or were like me, you have to agree: this mindset is overwhelmingly hard to change. The trick that your mind has been playing on you may have already lasted for so many days, months, years that the absence of proper reaction when someone is stepping over your boundaries has become carved into your brain.
You might consider paying a visit to a therapist and talking the stuff out with the specialist, but if you’re lucky to have a certain degree of self-analysis, then this article found you well.
Why you should speak up every time you’re not okay with something
Speaking up for themselves — that’s what psychologically healthy people do. They are not afraid of offending other people, they don’t intend to make them feel bad about themselves or guilty. They only want to draw a line and say: “hey, I’m sorry, but you can’t go beyond that. It hurts me”.
Saying things out loud and being straightforward in such situations is better and more effective than turning on your passive-aggressive mode. Saying “I’m sorry, but you can’t talk to me that way” is better than stopping talking to a person or replying with sarcasm or irony. Of course, at times irony might work and make your interlocutor change the topic and stop with the hurtful dialogue, but only for a while. If you don’t set it straight which kind of attitude you don’t tolerate, this toxicity will go on.
Why is this important to know and talk about? Because in many cultures and families standing up for oneself is considered equal to picking up a fight. The notions “stay calm and collected”, “don’t react”, “you’re above that, you’re better than them” got so deep into our consciousness that we started to forget two simple things:
- It’s okay to sometimes lose your shit
- You are an individual. It’s your life and it’s your decision — what you do, with whom you talk, and how you let other people treat you.
The funny thing is — as soon as you start setting your boundaries, people begin to respect you more. What we’re used to thinking is that they’ll turn against you, but the reality is the opposite. No need to yell at your offender, actually pick up a fight or attract other people as independent judges to the situation. A calm but strict tone with a glimpse of a smile will do the trick.
Try implementing this simple strategy next time someone makes you feel uncomfortable with the way they talk to you. Most likely, if you’ve never done this before, you’ll find your heart pounding and your mind losing the words. I know, establishing your credibility for the first time is hard. But you must get over this instinctive fear and say what you have to say.
And another thing: the more you do it, the easier it will get. With time your inner boundaries compass will learn to work autonomously and alert you to unpleasant and disrespectful people instantaneously. It’s like your body’s anti-virus software. But to upgrade it, you gotta do some work on yourself.
